The Hair Delusion

i always think of getting something done to my hair as a treat, but without fail, every trip to the salon ends with me feeling sorry for myself. why i repeatedly forget the trauma and continue to look forward to getting my hair cut or permed is not an example of optimism, but just being a moron.

i had been looking forward to this haircut for months. i had a bad perm in korea (again, another irrational exuberance turned toxic moment) and after patiently tying my hair back and looking unremarkable for months, i wanted a fashionably layered cut. i had also been growing my hair out bc i've never had long hair before and for just once, i wanted to be feminine for what seemed eerily like the last chance i'll ever have to be youthful, feminine, and beautiful (in the self-esteem sense).

i got to the salon and described my vision in painstaking detail - bc i attributed prior disasters to the fact that perhaps i just wasn't explicit enough. it included something about layers, keeping the length, keeping it light, and bangs. but this visit ended up being just like every other salon visit. they looked at the mop on my head, told me they're going to trim away the damage, and bc my hair quality is so bad, they'll have to do this and that adjustment blah blah blah. i'm not one to argue with expertise, so i just went along with it.

after spacing out over korean magazines for an hour, i looked up. it wasn't what i was hoping for, but i didn't look horrible, which is way more than i can ask for from a trip to the salon. so, i tipped big and danced all the way home. all was dandy until i took a shower and washed out the professional styling and products, and realized i looked like an orphan.

this will undoubtedly happen again. i'll pin my bangs down, tie my naps back, and wait patiently as my hopes of beautiful hair renews. it's the delusion that a new haircut could suddenly change my life for the better (make me look better in my crappy clothes, change my vibe from homely to edgy, or just simply give me beautiful hair for once) that keeps me going back. but one day, i will have to accept the truth, which is that i don't have beautiful hair. a digital perm on a friend with naturally silky hair is not going to look the same on my kinky, porous rat's nest. everyone has a natural baseline and mine is looking like an orphan.